@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

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@TheCiscoKidder

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

@YES_IM_RUDE

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as a cop]

Me: *goes to draw my gun* Ope I put a hot dog in the holster

@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@sirmunchie

For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@RidiculousSheri

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

@anniemalistics

Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
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