@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

@randypaint

him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me:
him:
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen

@rolldiggity

If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”

@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@CaucasianJames

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”