I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..




Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.


[First day as a cop]

Me: *goes to draw my gun* Ope I put a hot dog in the holster


When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.


For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?


WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]


The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.


Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.