I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80's.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

[First day as a cop]

Me: *goes to draw my gun* Ope I put a hot dog in the holster

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
Spider:

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets