I think my liver would like a body transplant.

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[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon


The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.


[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit


Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.


Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse


a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot


Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat


I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.