Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I think my liver would like a body transplant.
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.
*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*
I know this now.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.