@bevandeveire

I think my liver would like a body transplant.

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@maughammom

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@kellyoxford

I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)

@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@BlueOnBlack72

“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.

*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*

I know this now.

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.