@decentbirthday

I think my mom just blocked me

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@lisaxy424

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@mjs03093641

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

@iinkedZombie

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

@randyfactory

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

@Love_bug1016

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

@AnniemuMary

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

@jazmasta

*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
“This isn’t over”

@GrantTanaka

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged