I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”