I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.