@kimtopher22
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
@RunOldMan
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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@kimtopher22
@Fred_Delicious
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
@continentlbkfst
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
@ValeeGrrl
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
@lecalabara
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
@gegtik
Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
@JohnLyonTweets
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
@iamspacegirl
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
@mrjohndarby
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait