I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.