I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

You Might Also Like


I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.


To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0


date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke


Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie


You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.


Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling


ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in


ME: what



I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.


SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.


Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait