@RunOldMan

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

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@kimtopher22

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

@Fred_Delicious

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

@continentlbkfst

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

@ValeeGrrl

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

@lecalabara

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

@gegtik

Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

@mrjohndarby

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait