I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.