I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.