I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
You Might Also Like
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve