I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

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Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳


robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no


If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.


My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…


People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library


Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.


Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture


Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt


Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”