@pilau

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

You Might Also Like

@NotTodayEric

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@TheRolo

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

@emilyyoshida

People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-Sansa
-Melisandre
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library

@mommajessiec

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”