People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell