@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

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@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@SincerelyMen

I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

@TheAndrewNadeau

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

@wildethingy

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*

@iamspacegirl

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”