I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

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You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.


I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store


DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*



ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee


I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.



deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”