I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Friday night party time 🥳
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
#parenting