I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.