@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@Cheeseboy22

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@davidkenny100

Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

@lilgapeach30

Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.

@AimeeHelene1

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.