[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!
Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.