@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

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@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@Boozemunkee

If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.