I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.


When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.


[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.


[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.