Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.
I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.