I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I laughed at this way too hard.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.