You Might Also Like

@schmittsteve

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@Marlebean

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

@littleshark87

“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.

@TheCatWhisprer

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly