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@realfunghi

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

@SeanINCypress

I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@TheHatStore

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

@Shock_Monster

HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.

@theriouthly

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

@yonewt

HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:

1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.