@schmittsteve
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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@schmittsteve
@nicfit75
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
@Marlebean
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
@Brampersandon_
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
@drewtoothpaste
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
@littleshark87
“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”
“Depends how many cars roll over it”
I should do Kids TV shows.
@TheCatWhisprer
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
@TheBeerGuy73
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
@bobvulfov
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly