I think she is an organ harvester 馃馃 #tinder #tinderindia
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[Lois & Superman鈥檚 first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I鈥檓 dead.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I鈥檓 headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I鈥檇 like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I鈥檓 in a doctor鈥檚 office waiting room and there鈥檚 a People magazine on the table. I can鈥檛 believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I鈥檓 so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Husband: Ok, this isn鈥檛 funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it鈥檚 not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Honest job application:
On the whole I鈥檒l do a perfectly adequate job. I鈥檓 quiet but not in an odd way. I won鈥檛 cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won鈥檛 use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don鈥檛 do magic
10鈥檚 teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn鈥檛 be more proud