I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
broke down and did it
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.