I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could