@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

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@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@Ygrene

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

@AnOrangeSNES

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@qwertying

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.

@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@sock_holliday

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*