Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Google: Wow. I’m right here