I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale