Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …