5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Nothing to do, you say?