@JeremyBRoberts

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

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@SnizzleFrizzle

I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT

– marriage

@jwoodham

DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

@GrantTanaka

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

@kenn_ora

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

@AnnietheNanny1

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?