I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

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I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT

– marriage


DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?


waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before


me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]


[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.


My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.


Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?