I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.