I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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rise and shine we got egg
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
How I’d get arrested…
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE