@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

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@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@bobvulfov

(staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more

@BigBagOfScum

All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.

@BlairLoudly

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

@MelShutUp

Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.

@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

@kristabellerina

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”