I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

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It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.


(staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more


All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.


Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.


Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.


My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!


What did I learn today?

Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.


Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.


GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”