I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
You Might Also Like
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I am a gravy boat captain
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
No, I don’t think I will.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.