@AntiSemanticShw

I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”

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@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@RayfromCincy

Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar..

..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@WheelTod

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.