I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
You Might Also Like
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Just me?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.