I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!