I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad