I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack