Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.