I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Animal poetry
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
This sounds bad:
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂