I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”