I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
You Might Also Like
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Britain be like
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.