@Home_Halfway

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

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@KerryHowley

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

@ArfMeasures

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*