@BeTheCookie

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

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@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

@arwenlothbrok

Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

@FINALLEVEL

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

@junejuly12

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@ArfMeasures

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@Skoogeth

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@HomeWithPeanut

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

@myss_you_too

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top