I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.