I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

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I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.


If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.


One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.


[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks


[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]


I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.


People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.


Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top