Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon