I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Happy Star Wars day!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.