@Proxic0n
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
@iRowlf
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
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@Proxic0n
@FeverFlave
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
@thepaulahunt
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
@LostCatDog
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5βs complete catalog* oh no
@TitansHomer
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
@theshamingofjay
Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid
@i_eat_fruit
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
@CornOnTheGoblin
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
@HonestlyJon
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
@lucascomedian
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.