@iRowlf

I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.

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@jwoodham

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

@BoogTweets

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@AllanForsyth

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

@BuckyIsotope

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@ktbonz

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

@Book_Krazy

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.