Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My dog learned how to text
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Who called it baking and not making love
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”