Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
It’s worse than I thought
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.