@iRowlf

I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.

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@Proxic0n

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

@FeverFlave

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

@thepaulahunt

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@CornOnTheGoblin

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.