I think they could have phrased this better
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems