“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*