@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

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@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@MollySneed

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

@iGreenMonk

How girls put on their pants:

*Left leg*

*Right leg*

*Wiggle*

*Wiggle*

*Jump*

*Jump*

*Squat*

*Stretch*

Done..

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?