PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.