@Gooooats

I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@Social_Mime

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

@samfromks

Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@ShesARealGenius

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

@rachelle_mandik

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

@OhReallyRach

Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon