@Gooooats

I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

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@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

@DiamondLou69

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@GaryJanetti

Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.

@OrdinaryAlso

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.