Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
*drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.