I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.


*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*


Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.


-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.


Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.


Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon