T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.