@3sunzzz

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

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@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

@mattr_in_nc

Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?

@northernlivng24

Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!

@AngelaBishop

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

@handsock_butts

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@rockymomax

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

@ChrisRRegan

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

@GoldenSpirals

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.