“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

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Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you


Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard


My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.


I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.


ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today


ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you


My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.


When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to