“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

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I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?


Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!


Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.


Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here


Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?


Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.