“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
#CoronaOutbreak
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”