I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it