I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
This was the best day of my life
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
not for long
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: