@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

- @shanethevein

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@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@Mr_Kapowski

– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.