I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.