@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

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@AimeeHelene1

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

@OnlyFastEddie

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

@Mindless4Miles

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@InternetHippo

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@taramae72

*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?