@Book_Krazy: I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I'm having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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@smithsara79: Friend: Can I be honest with you about something? Me: Of course! Friend: You sometimes- Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
@fishbowel: Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15 Me: look I know I’m a wreck Cop: you've been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days me: cop: also you hit 26 cars
@farouq_yahaya: "Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world", my friend kept saying. "It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017" "Really "? "No"