@Book_Krazy

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

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@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@dave_cactus

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@HatfieldAnne

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.