I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.