I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Danger is very dangerous
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.